Sexual therapists reveal the five most common fears in sex

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Sex is still largely treated as a taboo topic. We want to talk about the fun accessories of sex, such as acceptance, pleasure, sex toys, sex poses, and intimacy. But there are also less fun things to talk about, such as insecurity, unwanted pain, shame …

 Sexual therapists reveal the five most common sexual fears

Most people do not want to discuss their sexual problems, but these conversations must not be avoided.

“Sexual upbringing is an education that is based on fear and shame, which deletes pleasure and consent,” says Shadin Francis, a sex therapist. “Because of this, there is a very large area of care. Most of the uncertainties that I face as a sex therapist come down to one question: ‘Am I normal/normal?’ “

Read what are the most common fears about sex and how to deal with them using the advice of sex therapists.

  1. Feel that you do not know what you are doing
    Good sex requires practice. People are mainly left alone to study sex and what it should be. Most of the time, that information comes from the wrong places, such as unrealistic pornography. If you are not confident and sometimes you feel that you do not know what you are doing, you are not unique. This is especially true for people whose gender and sexual orientation are in the minority.

“People also care if they are bad in bed,” explains Lex Brooks James, a certified pedagogue and founder of the St. Louis Institute of Sexuality and Intimacy. “The most common question I’m getting is: ‘How do I know if I’m good at sex?'” He says, adding that this is not the right issue to be asked.

Not only is everyone’s definition of “good sex” different, but everything comes down to something as simple as a personal set of abilities. It’s about consensual research and communication about what you and your partner like. They are ashamed of masturbation
The attitude and shame for masturbation depend on many factors. You may have grown up in an environment where it was said that it was dirty or wrong, maybe nobody told you anything about it, or you may have felt nervous from the very idea of ​​satisfying yourself. According to Francis, many people have “brains” during masturbation. If it sounds familiar to you, it’s important to know that there is no “normal” amount and how to do it. Masturbation depends on age, ability, gender, religion, size, and attitude towards it, but there are also different ways for it.

2. “People masturbate using hands, their own weight, toys, and various household items,” says Francis.

Although this depends on how you get excited – someone loves fantasy, some memory, some pornography, some other literature … Some are self-satisfied, while others do it before their partner. Sexual therapists heard everything. Basically, if you feel good about your way of masturbating and do not do any harm to yourself or to others, then accept your sexuality.

3. You worry that you are not enough “advanced”
You’ve probably noticed that new types of sexual orientation and relationships in the media are constantly emerging. You can feel old-fashioned and unusual. According to the sex therapist, Dr. Avi Pomerenk, people who are in a heterogeneous relationship with one partner or who are not fond of new sexual trends can feel annoying. What is not true at all! But many people equate alternative sexual practices with progressiveness when it comes to personal preferences. But all sorts of sexual preferences are fine.

“Too many people, especially women in the relationship with men, partners create a sense of guilt that has not opened their relationship,” Pomerance said. “At best, this behavior means that there are serious misunderstanding and wrong communication, and in the worst case, it can suggest unhealthy, even emotionally violent dynamics.”

If this sounds familiar to you it may be time to talk to your sex therapist. Feel the pressure associated with sex in a certain way
“One aspect I often encounter is the pressure for sex,” said Jillian Kahn, a sex therapist, adding, “It may involve things like pushing for sex at some point in the relationship, the feeling that it must have been magically to know how to satisfy partner without communication and/or fear of sexual challenges and disorders “

4. Feel the pressure associated with sex in a certain way
“One aspect I often encounter is the pressure for sex,” said Jillian Kahn, a sex therapist, adding, “It may involve things like pushing for sex at some point in the relationship, the feeling that it must have been magically to know how to satisfy partner without communication and/or fear of sexual challenges and disorders “.

Khan wants to remind us that sex is not a performance.

“The best sex happens when we forget the pressure and we can connect with the body and the partner. If you are primarily concerned with your own performance or whether your partner has experienced orgasm, you will miss out on many beautiful things. “

Pomerance also points out that it is not unusual for her clients to take care of the consequences when they are not sexually available to their partners. For example, they feel bad partners if they are sometimes unwilling to find sex or are afraid that their partner will leave them if they do not have regular sex. It’s not hard to create internal pressure to be a “perfect” sexual partner. After all, people in movies and pornography are often ready and available for sex at any moment.
That’s why never forget that if your partner makes you feel conscientious about it, it’s time for a serious conversation between you two.

5. You think you are crazy about the “strange” fetish or fantasy
“It seems to me that many of my clients have a fantasy and enjoy some kind of pornography that is embarrassing them,” Khan said. “Some of those clients are even ashamed when they mention their fantasy or pornography during therapy,” she adds. “The thing is that the majority of fantasies exist for a long time. The pornography you see is done because many people want to see it. Even if your fetish and fantasy are unique, there’s no need to be ashamed. “

It’s important to remember that a certain fantasy or some sort of pornography does not necessarily mean you want to do something about it. According to Kahn, this is an important difference, because people feel guilty or distorted by some thoughts that move them.

“For example, rape fantasies are not unheard of – like many other fantasies are probably more common than you would expect and do not mean that a person has a real desire to be raped,” Khan said. “I’m trying to convince my clients to know that fantasy does not mean anything to them, so it’s not necessary to try to analyze it. Whatever you are dreaming about, I can proudly tell you that you are not the only ones who get excited about that idea. “

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