Sex is not all about the relationship, but it is an important part of it. Studies have shown that one quarter of relationship satisfaction comes from physical or intimate contact with a partner.
But that only applies when sex is good. It’s okay to ask yourself the question “Do I have to break up if sex isn’t good?” Because bad sex can be an indication that the person you’re dating is not a good partner at all.
But don’t judge too quickly. Not all bad sex situations are the same, there are some that you can work on and improve on. Should you break up or work on the case? Sexologist Tracy Cox advises how to put yourself in different situations when sex in the relationship is not good.
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There is no chemistry between you
Is it a bad sign if sparks are not flying from the very beginning of the relationship and you are not jumping on each other in every possible situation? The short answer is yes. If you’ve only had sex a few times and passionate kissing does not end with the uncontrollable desire to get dressed and have sex “now and here”, this is not a good sign. Passionate kisses, secret kisses, indecent suggestions … if this doesn’t happen at the beginning of the relationship, don’t expect it to happen after six months of dating, not after 20 years. Love without passion (at least initially) is usually just a good friendship. Here we are talking about no impulse on your part or the other.
Can chemistry develop between partners over time?
If you are both emotionally healthy and still not “stuck” with a former partner, Tracy Cox’s honest answer is – usually not. But there are exceptions.
If you or your partner has had a bad sexual experience in the past due to your “sex drive”, you may be afraid to give up your passions. Or maybe one of you was hurt in previous relationships because he was teaching too early, now afraid to open. In such situations it is worth going to a couples counseling and then seeing how you will feel – whether that person should be your only friend or can become your lover.
Chemistry won’t guarantee that you will have great sex or deep love all your life, but it is certainly a great start and will give you the motivation to continue investing in the relationship. Even good relationships have boring times, but the chemistry is what keeps us going, encouraging us to work around our partner and relationship instead of slamming the door to the first obstacle.
The partner is inexperienced or has poor technique
Technique is something that can be learned. If the other qualities of your partner are pleasing to you and if you are willing and patient to learn how to be a (better) lover, this is a problem to be solved.
Remember that inexperience has nothing to do with the number of one’s sexual partners. Many people who have had short intercourse and numerous sex meetings per night have no idea how to keep sex exciting in the long run. The trick to tackling this problem is to take on the role of teacher and guide your partner without being overly obvious in intention.
Start slowly: do not rush past the forehead and stick to the essentials until you both feel more relaxed and comfortable. Give directions on what you like and want, but do not turn into an instructor. If you prefer more practical, rather than oral, practice this method. It is a good idea to masturbate in front of your partner and to follow the “first bench” that you have. Another good trick to increase your partner’s self-esteem is to try something new that you haven’t done before, so that you have the two new experiences you’ve had together.
Try to resist the urge to deliberately show off all your sex skills at the very beginning of the relationship. Yes, an inexperienced partner has something to learn from you, but by “attacking” him with lessons you can make him feel inadequate and incapable. Also, try to refrain from detailed comments and criticism immediately after having sex. Even if they are positive remarks, one “This was great” is quite enough. You do not want to think that you are evaluating every “performance”.
Also keep in mind that it is easy to learn someone who wants to learn. If he does not want to, does not think he has anything to learn or improve, then it is clear that that partner does not want to work on the relationship.
There is no adventurous spirit
This problem often comes with a lack of sexual experience. In that case, it is up to you to bring your partner into the world of all kinds of sexual enjoyments. If she always chooses a missionary position, she probably has only tried it and feels safe in that position. Sexual insecurity is much more common than you think, advises Tracy Cox. Even those with more sexual experience know how to pull themselves together with a new partner and start doubting their performance. They go into deeper analysis even during sexual intercourse, which means they cannot relax or enjoy themselves. In short, they are afraid to get out of their comfort zone. This situation is most often resolved by building a partner’s self-esteem by sharing sexual compliments.
The other, less attractive reason, is that the partner simply has no adventurous spirit and does not want to try. This is a selfish lover, and read more about it later in the text.
You have a different attitude towards sex
This is most often the case when partners come from different cultural or religious backgrounds, with one being educated that sex is a fun, recreational activity to enjoy, and the other being taught that sex is only for propagation.
This can obviously cause big problems, but if you work hard and have open communication, respect for each other’s views and backgrounds and are ready to compromise (both!), There is hope for a solution. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible either.
Another possible situation is when your partner has a history of sexual abuse, or a negative experience that has affected your understanding of sex. In that case, open communication is again the most important. If you both want to work for the relationship to succeed, there is no reason why you would not reach the stage where you will have a healthy sex life. Patience and communication are key here.
You both have drastically different sexual appetites
Tracey Cox emphasizes what most sex therapists advise – when choosing a partner, try to choose a partner with a similar sexual appetite as yours. When one’s libido misses the other’s, that is, one wants more sex than the other, or both want sex, but at different times with different intensity, there is a big problem for the couple.
There are a million factors that affect a person’s libido: stress and stress, health and medication, genetics, past experiences, how proficient a partner is, how you perceive yourself as a sexual being … You need to keep in mind that there are people who just don’t have any particular sexual thoughts or fantasies or at least not as often as you. It is not wrong, but if you do not belong to that group of people, you will have a problem if your partner is such a person. If your libido doesn’t match your partner’s sex drive, it can lead to tension, even bitterness and resentment.
Of course, there are some methods you can try. Through open communication with your partner you can arrange what is the ideal number of sexual intercourse for one and the other and then for the two. If there is love between you and you are willing to compromise, work to meet your libido somewhere “halfway”. What you cannot afford is to do nothing, with the unrealistic expectation that it will settle by itself, pass away, or cease to matter to you.
You probably know what it’s all about, but let’s elaborate: the selfish lover cares only for his pleasure, he doesn’t care if you’ve enjoyed sex, achieved orgasm, been any different than before. Sex usually happens the way you want it to, and your desires are ignored. There is almost no foreplay, and after sex there is no intimacy. He thinks that oral sex is a pleasure that he should only receive, but not provide. You only give, and the other just takes.
This is selfish behavior and is unacceptable. If you have told your partner that you are not sexually satisfied and that you have not received feedback or questioning from the other side, it simply means that he or she does not care about you.
When someone makes an effort to improve, especially after you have been told that something is not going to “fix” you, it is noticeable. It will ask you questions, whether you, when and how you get excited, improve the technique, deepen your intimacy before and after sex … If your partner does none of this, there is only one answer: Break up. Immediately.